The Bizarre Emails

It would be fair to say that while the vast majority of emails I receive are pleasant and helpful there are also some bloody weird messages that find their way to my inbox. I thought I'd share some with you. My replies are below. They are kind of fun to do and keep you occupied when you're ill.

"dear jonathan lee i hate u u know why beause my wish is about u coming to my city to see my dad who is man and my wish do not come so i like u before but now i hate u. Morgan."
Dear Morgan.
Damn.
PS: I am glad your Dad is a man. This is not always the case.

"can you help me find address for maria sharipova? i like her tennis and want her tell me if i have good backhand. i think i do."

No, I can't help you find an address for Maria Sharapova and if I could do you really think I would give it to you? Your backhand is fine although I prefer your front one.

"Did you once go to Carlisle Elementary School in Texas? I think I knew you."

Yes. I was looking for the Airport.

"Hello Johnathon. What do you think of the economic climate? lol. Mike."

Hello Myk. It's underated. 

"Haven't we got enough Dave Gorman's in the world without you joining in as well?"

Don't worry, I've decided against changing my name.

"this blog is lik well fun i show me m8s an there laughin at it an say its sik an i sed i know u an they think im sik as well. thanx."

They are right. You are sick. I think it's affecting your spelling and grammar too.

PS: Stop meddling with your ankle tag.

"I really like you on 'Would I Lie To You'? Do you do anything else?"

Thank you. Did you prefer me as Lee Mack, David Mitchell or Angus Deayton? And yes, I do anything else. If the money's right.

"I've found you on a facebook and added you but you have not accepted my friend request. Why not?"

I'm sleeping with your Mum.

On a more serious note there was a very interesting development last week and i'll be updating the blog soon.

Part Bangladeshi, Part Free T-Shirts

Hello to all my new readers. Just checked my emails and I have one from someone in Bangladesh. (Strangely this person has a hotmail.co.uk address. Incredible)

By the way, free 'Do You Know Who This Is?' t-shirts coming soon. If you want one email me at anyoneknowwhothisis@gmail.com. The only stipulation I have is that you don't try and sell it on ebay or give it to a Frenchman.

The Reading II - Update

Unfortunately, due to unforeseen circumstances I am going to have to move the reading numero deux to sometime next week. I've got loads of work to do this weekend and that, coupled with the fact that England are playing cricket, means I don't really have the time to put in an appearance. For those who emailed me saying they may come down I have emailed you back, sorry if I have missed out anyone but hopefully you will check this out before Sunday anyway. Have a good Friday and weekend everyone. Cheers.

The Reading II (A Sequel)

I've had a fair few emails since my attempt at an undercover manuscript reading in Borders the other week. Some of which have been complimentary, some of which not so much. But anyway, I thought I'd do it again. This time though it won't be undercover. It'll be very much out in the open. So next Sunday at 12pm I'll be in Hyde Park with a few sheets of A4 and a few beers. Basically I'm having a picnic. So if you want a few drinks, a sandwich or two, a game of Flicket (cricket with a flipflop) and a story about a bloke tracing his friend's clone, then this is the event for you. There are five of us at the moment (although four of them think it is just a picnic) so if you want to join us email me at anyoneknowwhothisis@gmail.com so I can get an idea of numbers and work out whether I need to bring a microphone. Cheers.

'Excuse Me Sir'

So last night I waited breathlessly in the travel section of Borders, Oxford Street, in anticipation of what was ahead. At 7.00pm I began my first ever reading. Thankfully there were people there to listen. Six of them! And I only knew five! Thanks to Emily for dragging along her work colleague, Louise. Before I reached the end of the first paragraph a guy in a Borders t-shirt walked up to us and began telling me that what I was doing was in fact "not allowed without prior consent from the manager". I apologised, asked to speak to the manager, was told he/she wasn't in and so we left. 

We made our way to a bar on New Oxford Street where I started my reading again. This time I wasn't asked to leave and it went pretty well. I stuttered and stumbled a few times but after a few Peroni's that was to be expected.

So, because a few people probably thought this was a bit of a joke and I was just making a load of random people meet in the travel section of a bookshop, I am going to do it again. I'm not sure where or when yet but initial thoughts point to a park - maybe followed by a game of flicket (cricket with a flip-flop).

Thanks to the six who came last night. I would have felt very embarrassed doing a reading to no one.

A Note About My Blog

As I am now trying to find an agent and also beginning to do little bits and pieces to promote my book by myself, I have decided to take a large amount of material off my blog. Well, nearly all of it actually. Those of you who have been following my quest for a while will know exactly what happened (nearly, there is some exciting stuff I haven't told anyone) but for those of you who have only just heard about my quest, well, I don't want to spoil it for you by telling you everything.

While I try and find an agent and promote my quest I want to keep what happened as secretive as possible. This might change, so keep checking back here for updates.

Undercover Book Readings

I was talking to my good friend Emily the other night. (She has just moved to London and is struggling a bit to acclimatise to the hustle and bustle of the big city so I just want to take this opportunity to say hi to her. 'Hi'. She'll feel much better now). So anyway, we were talking about 'Is This You?' the book, amongst other things. Things that I don't really need to share with you because they would bore you. 

Emily said, 'Why don't you do some readings?'. I said, 'Don't be stupid'. She said, 'Okay. I'm going to find the Ladies room.'

On my way home though I began to think about what she had said. There was nothing illegal about doing readings. There wasn't a rule to say you have to have your book published to do readings. So, I thought, why don't I do one?

And that is exactly what I am going to do. I am going to read from my book. To the masses. Or anyone who happens to turn up really. I'm going to try it out next Tuesday (1st July).

Meet me @ 7.00pm in Borders, Oxford Street. I'll be in the travel section, I think it's the second floor but check the signs. I'll read a bit of the book and then we can go to the pub. I have absolutely no idea what will happen, we might get asked to leave. If we are then please do exactly that. I don't want to start a riot. If it goes well then maybe I'll do some more. I can't promise I am going to visit the USA or Australia though, so for those of you who have been following my quest from far off places I am sorry. I may well look into doing a webcast for you though, so watch this space.

The Finished Book

Good news people. After weeks of slogging away at my computer I have finally finished 'Is This You?' - the book of my quest. I'm delighted with the result although trying to remember what I got up to eighteen months ago was a bit of a challenge! Now for the hard part. Getting it published.

A New Title

Having thought about it for quite a while I have decided to call my book 'Is This You?' It is, after all, what this blog would have been called if someone else hadn't already taken it as a name. 

It's my Mum's Birthday today and while she doesn't read this (partly because she doesn't know I am writing a book and partly because she doesn't know how to use a computer) I still feel it is appropriate to wish her many congratulations.

A Book?

Hello. It's been a while. If you have been waiting impatiently for me to return then I apologise. As it has been a while I thought that the next time I post I will have to tell my faithful readers something exciting. I bought some milk and got two for one on tea-bags this morning but that isn't really going to suffice is it?

Instead I am going to tell you something else. Something many of you may be pleased to hear. The idea for a book about my quest/adventure/obsession has been muted a few times, mostly from you guys. It was never something I really thought warranted a book to be honest. However, something happened the other week. Something that told me this whole thing had been worth it. Even more important that though, I learnt something very, very important. I realised something that I never ever thought I would. It was a genuinely amazing moment. Moments I only thought happened in films. As a result I have decided to write that book.

That, I think you will agree, was worth waiting for.

One Last Chance

I am off somewhere. I can't say where yet but one day all will be revealed. Stick with me. This could be flippin' amazing!

10,000 Hits

We have passed the 10,000 hit mark. Thanks to everyone who has visited. I know it's not 10,000 readers, I am not sure how to work that out yet but I will do when I have a spare five hours. Big thanks for those of you who have sent emails of support. I'm humbled that there are people out there who I don't know and they are showing an interest and wishing me luck. 

No thanks to those who have sent abusive emails. Although they do keep me amused. You call me sad for doing this, what does that make you then? You have set up a fake email address to contact me. Oh, I see, that's just you having a laugh. I understand now. You're not sad at all.

Not A Beret-Wearing Onion-Selling Cyclist To Been Seen

I got back from Paris a few hours ago now. I met a broken man. I'm not sure what to do now. Really not sure.